My friend Fiona is successful. She’s also smart, intelligent, gorgeous in such a classic sort of way, and bat shit hilarious. She’s also kind of crazy. Which, in my opinion, makes her pretty much the perfect woman. So when I heard this story, it didn’t really surprise me that this had happened to her.
Fiona first met the good doctor when he walked into the design studio she owns. She was busy helping other customers and didn’t really pay him much attention because of the way he was dressed. She described him as looking like a scrub in dirty jeans, some busted up Vans, a plain t-shirt and… Wait for it… A chain wallet. (Seriously, who the hell wears them anymore?) When she was done helping the other customers, she walked over to him only to be interrogated with questions about the furniture, how it’s made, what kind of material, etc. She wasn’t really expecting him to actually know what he was talking about, so she was a bit surprised. They end the conversation on the note that she does house calls and set up a date and time to do an at-home consultation.
When she gets over there for the appointment, he’s very rude sitting on the phone for the first thirty minutes with his inspector talking about his house and some menial roof issue. (Small detail? Fiona has zero patience, so she was annoyed to say the least.) When the doctor finally gets off the phone is when it started to get even more uncomfortable.
He started talking about his relationships and letting her in on personal information about himself and other such things that have no pertinence to anything resembling the business at hand. Consultations are apparently supposed to be only an hour, MAYBE an hour and a half. She was there for three hours. So she leaves with an idea of what he’s looking for in regards to his house and not even five minutes later, he sends her a text asking her out for drinks. Now… Fiona really did have her doubts. For one thing, his behavior was less than professional. Second, the only thing she really found attractive about him was that he was a doctor. But, in the end, she agreed to go out for drinks.
She shows up for the date in this black eyelet dress and black knee high rain boots. Very industrial sexy. He shows up looking equally handsome at the Delechaise, a small bar in New Orleans with a wide selection of gourmet finger food/small dinners and chalk boards behind the bar that name where each and every beer, liquor, and wine originate from. She noticed that he is slamming back vodka waters, so she starts slamming her vodka tonics to keep up. They then head to Balcony Bar on Magazine, then finally end up at Ms. Mae’s. (If you know anything about these bars, you’ll know that the night just kept getting more and more seedy.) They get blindsided by the appearance of a mutual friend of ours looking like she just walked off the set of Scarface complete with wide eyes and grinding teeth. Trying to get rid of her, they drunkenly try to be her wingman so she can hit the road. Of course they fail, but not before she gives her number to some 7 foot tall black guy that to this day, still calls her. She leaves and Fiona and the doctor go back to his house where she just passes out without having sex. The next morning he takes her to breakfast, which she thought was sweet, and they say their goodbyes.
They text back and forth a little bit, but she doesn’t agree to go out with him right away because she’s been hiding something from him.
She has a long time, live-in boyfriend.
Now, judge all you want, but I say those without sin cast the first stone, alright?
After much haggling though, she gave in and agreed to go to the movies with him. Immediately there were red flags. He took her to the movies way out on the West Bank. Those of you not from the N.O. – it’s across the Crescent City Connection bridge. In other words, a good twenty five minute drive. (In Houston, that’s not a big deal, but in a small town like New Orleans, it might as well have been in Mumbai.) He also didn’t take her by the candy/popcorn area, which is basically the only reason she goes to the movies (I agree… That shit is the bomb). Throughout the movie was when shit got creepy when he exclaimed proudly how he wanted to “fucking rape” the lead female actress. (I was actually surprised that this bothered her, because I would’ve been slightly scared, but also slightly turned on. But this is her story, not mine.) He was bragging about how he used to date hot strippers, to which I have to say what the fuck??!! Then, at the end of the night, he didn’t kiss her.
The next morning he sends her a text saying that he should have kissed her. All she said was; “Yeah, loser.”
Over the next two weeks, there’s minimal texting, but his items came into the store so she had to schedule a business type meeting with him. The “business type” meeting ended up being a “French Quarter” night with a motorcycle ride to the Barely Legal strip club. Even brown out drunk, she remembers that they were doing redecorating inside due to Hurricane Isaac, so the strippers were dancing on milk crates. It was awful, she said. Of course, towards the end of the night, he suggests they “go back to his place” where she (reluctantly and regrettably) had sex with him. At this point in the story, I ask her; “Well, was it good at least?” She doesn’t even remember, she was so wasted.
At six a.m., she’s awakened by a loud commotion outside the bedroom window coming from the porch. Fiona peeks through the blinds only to be shocked to see the doctor and a mousey looking woman screaming at each other and actually shoving each other back and forth. My friends first thought (like, no joke) was that she was still dreaming. She can’t really make out the incoherent screams, but she puts two and two together and hurries to get dressed. All of a sudden, the girl is bursting through the door, out of breath and red faced, screaming; “WHO ARE YOU??” All Fiona can think to say is; “No, who the fuck are YOU?” The girl claims to be the girlfriend of the doctor. Fiona is not only hungover as fuck, but also stunned and sympathetic for this girl. She looks her in the eye and apologizes, citing that she had no idea and that he had said he was single. The doctor, on the other hand, is saying (right in front of the other girl) that she’s crazy, they broke up a long time ago, she’s obsessed with him. Fiona looks down only to see the used condom at the foot of the bed and covers it to shield the other woman from suffering even more heartache because at this point, she’s sobbing loudly. They’re arguing back and forth and while Fiona is getting dressed, the girl asks the doctor; “How many times have you cheated on me??!” To which this fucking asshole screams back; “HUNDREDS!!!!!!” It’s very clear to my friend that she needs to get the fuck out of there and fast. So she does, but this fucker is still calling her over and over… Even after all that drama. She finally picks up the phone to tell him never to fucking call her again, she doesn’t want any of this drama, etc. She goes into work that day just trying to forget the mornings events all the while shaking her head at what she’s just witnessed and been a part of.
He comes into her store that same day to ask if there’s any way she will still see him. Of course, she tells him no and it seems as if they are going their separate ways.
One trait that Fiona has is that she is very forgiving. I had always admired that of her until I realized that sometimes, it can be a curse in disguise…