Usually, I’m like “Fuck Valentines Day!!” However, this year I carried out a two year running tradition of taking myself out to a fancy lunch and going to the sex shop to buy an expensive vibrator. It was a lovely little day. I decided to include my good friend Kristy this year, which even though she has a boyfriend, thought that it was a great idea as well. One thing about me is that even though I come up with crackpot ideas that most of the time makes no sense, I hold the friends that participate in them with me in higher esteem than the ones that don’t. I love having friends who are down for whatever, no matter how immature the fun I’m intending on having might be. I do a ton of things that normal people would find stupid/dangerous/illegal and I have discovered that in my adult life that I still like to do these things, so I just keep non-judgmental people around rather than have to explain myself on the regular. I find it silly to explain why I like to steal small things from Urban Outfitters or why I chose to spend all my rent money on a night out, or why I hooked up with the young guy that hangs out at the end of the bar that does a massive amount of Molly. I’m a fucking adult! Fuck your rules. In the words of Erykah Badu; “I please myself because I can’t please you… and that’s why I do what I do.”
So, back to my Valentines Day Date as it has come to be known, even though Kristy didn’t put out. We went out to eat at Restaurant August, which is one of the best John Besh restaurants to eat at. It was fantastic! The wine was incredible, I had the Lola Pinot Noir and… I forgot what Kristy had, but it was slightly drier, but still very good. She got the pork pate to start with while I got the arugula salad with strawberries and aged balsamic dressing. For an entrée, she got this white fish dish thing with veggies that was served over a creamy polenta. I got the duck confit with veggies and what looked like gnocchi. I forget what the hell it was called, but nonetheless, it was delicious. We both got the hazelnut chocolate tart to finish: fucking incredible!!! It was a great way to start my Valentines Day festivities.
We then headed on foot over to Hustler Hollywood to hunt for the perfect sex toy for me. She also needed to buy some presents for a bridal shower, so it was like killing two birds with one stone. I had never been there, and stepping foot into the building I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been going there at least once a week to check out the new Gonzo pornos. It’s two unbelievable floors of debauchery!!! I didn’t spend too much time on the first floor because the toys were on the second. From what I saw there were little fun gift ideas, such as massage oils, silly magnets and t-shirts, and I think there were some sex pillows. The second floor is really where my little pervert spirit came to life. Tons of strap-ons, different size vibrators, the almighty sex swing, and hundreds of raunchy porn, including some even replicating the famous Twilight saga. Edward fucking Bella in the ass? Yes please!!! Jacob and Edward gang-banging her? Even better. I ended up leaving with the infamous rabbit… its shaft expands and the tip rotates and of course, the famous bunny ears that stimulate the clitoris. Sheer joy pulsed through me and I almost ditched Kristy right then and there when I had made my decision as to which toy would be abusing my vagina later.
We made our purchases and headed to her place to watch a movie and drink some wine on her fancy rooftop balcony. I, unfortunately, was allergic to an enzyme in one of the red wines we bought from CVS and turned beet red. Back inside we went… After a little bit longer of hanging out, I rushed home to get my clothes off, light a candle, and jam my new rabbit deep inside.
Such an intense orgasm. How have I lived this long without it? I had heard all sorts of rumors about how it was amazing and there was that one episode on Sex and The City where Charlotte became addicted to her rabbit, but I literally have no idea how I have this long in my life not knowing such an intense orgasm as I achieved with my new toy. I thought I would be in for the night enjoying it all by my lonesome until I got a text from my booty call asking if I would be up for doing some ecstasy later that night.
The night went on until six in the morning filled with wine, nakedness, drugs, and of course, my little friend. So all in all, this year, Valentines Day was a hit!!! I’m not a hater of the little winged fat man coming to probe us with his arrow. I’m definitely a fan of this holiday and will continue to be as long as it ends with a new toy and multiple orgasms.