After I had begun to have sex with someone other than myself or my trusty vibrator, I fell in love with it. I became completely enamored in the way it made me feel. The sensation, the pain, the feeling of being so close to another person in a way I had never known was quickly becoming the only thing I wanted to do with my spare time. I have always compared my newfound love for sex to the way a child feels for a new Christmas present he/she have been waiting on for years. But, tragically, being so young and naive did not mix well with my new beloved activity.
I had my heart broken. Several times over again. I would get it in my mind that the person I shared my body with loved me or at least wanted to be in a relationship. What the hell did I know? I was a teenager looking for acceptance and romantic love in a world where that simply doesn’t happen overnight for most people. I have always been a hopeless romantic and at that time, thought of sex in such a romantic (and probably unrealistic) way. I didn’t understand the difference between love and lust and I most definitely felt betrayed by all those I shared my body with. I was disappointed time and time again by a phone that never rang after a night of passion. Thinking about it now, it really just breaks my heart at how simple my mind worked. Actually, maybe the problem was my mind was too mature compared to the idiots I was sleeping with. I was very advanced growing up, intellectually speaking. I was in A.P. classes, the GATE program… I was even moved up a grade. So you know what? Fuck them. I was a child living in a fantasy world at times, yes. But really, I was looking for a mature relationship, just in the wrong way.
(I have found it a pattern for myself to pursue those who aren’t as smart as I am. As Julie Brown says in one of her hilarious songs, “I like ‘em big and stupid.” This isn’t always the case though. Nothing turns me on more than a deep creative thinker, but sometimes when their body is comparable to Adonis, I could care less if they can’t add numbers without using their fingers or if they don’t know where the Alamo is.)
Falling in love with sex had its drawbacks other than “looking for love in all the wrong places”. My body was maturing at a fast pace and I was loving not only the attention from guys my age but the looks I was getting from older men. I felt like I had such power over them, like a modern-day Lolita. (In retrospect, I realize now that I was surrounded by pedophiles.)
The first guy I had sex with (or attempted to have sex with, really) was 19. How old was I? Thirteen. It was a friend of a friends and because I was so small, it wouldn’t go in. That was my first attempt. And honestly, it left me feeling really dirty. Not what I was looking for at all. The next guy was a threesome gone wrong. I was 14… He was 20. See? Surrounded by pedophiles… (The threesome went wrong because I ended up having sex with just him and his girlfriend got left out [I had had sex with her the previous night]… Yeah, it was an awkward breakfast.) I really don’t count it because I was on a shit ton of muscle relaxers and barely remember it. Yes, I have been crazy from the start. (On a side note, some people have tried to convince me I was raped, but I’m not buying it. I knew exactly what I was doing and what the turn out was going to be. But per the rules from the movie Road Trip, “if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen”.)
If anyone ever asks me how I lost my virginity, it was to my friend Shaun in the backseat of his mustang. And yes, he was 19 and I was 14, but to be fair to him, he had the emotional maternity of a ten-year old. But as trashy as it sounds, it really wasn’t. He was very sweet and careful and we are still friends to this day. Nothing too memorable about this except for the fact that he was hung like a horse and a great kisser. Sometimes I think he ruined me for the rest of the world because I really can’t get into sex unless the guy is large. I’m known for saying these oh-so-sensitive-and-oh-so-classy words; “If you can’t fit into a Magnum, you can’t get on this ride”. I realize that guys with smaller members can be great at other things, but I want what I want. Furthermore, I’m sure that some people still believe the whole “it’s not the size of the ship” hoopla, but let me tell you something: Nothing beats a big fat uncircumcised dick. Period. I feel sorry for guys that have little ones. It’s not fair. But I am not Mother Teresa. I don’t do charity fucks… well, not since I know better now.
So yeah, getting back on track…
Regardless of the heartbreak and threesomes gone awry, I was still very into older men. Funny thing is, I have never had a Daddy complex. My father was the best a girl could ask for. No one can be blamed for my ridiculous behavior but me. I actually enjoyed sex very much. I was definitely not too young to not understand what I was doing. The consequences were a little hazy, but other than that, I was a nymphomanic by choice.
I did eventually fall in love with someone crazy enough to love me back. I was 16 and we were together for almost two years. And that relationship is probably why I needed copious amounts of therapy… And drugs. Nothing beats the memories of a bad relationship out of your mind like tons of ecstasy nights and/or cocaine and tequila weekends…