Alright look.. We single people should all have some sort of person that we call when we’re in need of some nakedness. A friend with benefits is something that should be blessed to everyone, I feel. I love fucking my friends!! I love having multiple people I call on for different things anyway, and when there is sex involved with one of those calls, my day just gets better! I like my special friends to range anywhere from someone that you can go out and pretend to be in a relationship with (drunkenly, of course… anyone who drinks heavily knows what I’m talking about… lying is so much fun when you’re drunk!!!) to someone that you really don’t wanna take out in public (i.e., the guy with blue hair you’ve been hooking up with after the bar closes). It’s nice to have a friend that you can call when you wanna grab some dinner at a fancy restaurant and then back to a nice hotel for some heavy duty bondage. It’s even nicer when you have that one booty call who’s younger than you who likes to party at the local dive and then back to your place or his/hers to watch South Park, smoke some weed and have stoned sex.
But there are rules! It can’t be all fun and games without some sort of feelings getting involved. There needs to be boundaries set. Recent events have caused me to write about this. I’ve hurt feelings and my feelings have been hurt. So, sit back and I would prefer it if you took notes.
You can’t have two booty-calls at the same place, same time
If you are hooking up with someone on the regular and you both frequent the same local bar, don’t take your ex there to hang out. Be respectful! The other person knows that if you’re drinking with them, you’re probably going home to fuck them. This should be common sense to everyone, but you would be surprised as how many idiots out there think; “Oh, they won’t be there. They don’t get out of work until such and such time.” Big mistake. You don’t know how psycho this new person is! They could be incredibly territorial and go ape shit when they see the two of you together. This could also result in not only an unnecessary bar fight, but also them never calling your dumbass ever again for a late night hook up. Now you’re stuck fucking your ex who is already dating someone new anyway… Dumb move, dumbass.
Don’t talk about the other people you’re hooking up with.
This should go without saying. Don’t be mean. Even if you feel like bragging, brag to someone who cares. I’m sure the other person doesn’t want to think about you fucking someone else; especially if it’s someone they know. This is something I encountered recently and it made me not want to sleep with that person anymore. It’s not that feelings were involved with this booty call, but it kinda made me feel gross. It got me to wondering if the sheets had been changed, if there were panties under the bed that I didn’t know about, and really it made me want to inquire who else they were hooking up with. It just really caused anxiety. And now that person is no longer on my “people I wanna bang on the DL” list. So, choose your drunken words wisely people. You may either hurt someone’s feelings or lose that person all together.
Raise your hand if you like having STDs… Don’t worry, I’ll wait…
No one likes to pay unnecessarily to go for a checkup when you just fucking had one. The doctors and nurses are going to start looking at you funny. I have a friend who right after she has a drunken one night stand, she goes and gets checked at the doctors office. What a waste of money!! She could’ve just bought a 12 pack of condoms and saved herself 200 bucks. And who likes getting those painful “just in case” shots for Gonorrhea? NOBODY!! I had to do that once, turns out I didn’t have it, thank GOD, but that shit was SO painful!! I literally cried from the pain. Those who know me know that I am definitely not a cry baby. But when that medicine started coursing through my veins, I cried like someone just took away my clitoris. You never know how many other people your booty call is sleeping and you don’t know who they are sleeping with, etc. You get the picture…
And who likes unplanned pregnancies? NO ONE!! I have an ex-friend that has had five abortions. Five, people. Now, I am definitely pro-choice, but FIVE???? This bitch thinks that shit is birth control. Well it’s not dip-shit. Her stupidity is a big reason why we’re not friends anymore. You can’t just use that as a fallback. And seriously, who wants to get pregnant by their fucking booty call?? Not me! No one that I am currently hooking up could I see raising a child. They can barely take care of themselves… Hello? That’s why they’re booty calls!
Don’t tell a whole bunch of people your business
Ok so, I’m the worst at this, but I’m getting better. I would go out with some friends and if I saw my now ex-booty call, I would say; “Hey look! It’s my booty call!” I’m an idiot, I know. Sometimes words come out of my mouth and I just don’t even know how my lips let them escape. (I do this quite a bit actually.) Keep shit to yourself. Plus, if you keep your private life to yourself, you will keep the door open for other opportunities for future BC’s.
Don’t spend too much time at their place afterwards
No one likes someone that lingers. Don’t wear out your welcome by assuming the other person wants to hang out on their day off. Get your clothes and get up outta there. Call the taxi, get in your car, ride your bike… fuck it, hitch a ride. But don’t lay around in their bed while they’re up and doing things around the house. This will make things less awkward. You don’t wanna be that dude/chick that wouldn’t leave. I mean, come on… you two just did things that make you have to hide your face from your higher power. HE PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT!! LEAVE!
Do things with this person you don’t feel comfortable doing in a regular relationship. This is your time to indulge in your innermost desires on the DL. Take advantage of it. Have anal sex, stick a finger up his ass, toss the salad, and try out golden showers for God’s sake. Stop saying no and give in to taboo, that’s my motto. Tie each other up and let him slap you in the face. Practice tantric sex people… it might change your life. Don’t let the night go to waste. Take some opiates and fuck like rabbits. Well, you don’t have to take drugs to have good time, but I like popping a Vicodin or five and having public sex on a balcony… its kinda my thing.
Have a back-up plan
We all have lives. Your BC is not a fucking machine. Get a vibrator or a pocket pussy. There’s no need to not orgasm, so when all else fails, fuck yourself really hard and pass out. Don’t pressure the other person. You’ll just end up looking needy and desperate and who wants to fuck someone that has zero confidence? Not a whole lotta people unless they’re sick and twisted and if you meet someone out there that is and is into that shit, hey… Fuck them until they get too kinky for you.
I hope this helps those who are currently in a BC relationship or those who are looking to get into one. Bottom line, have fun, wear a condom (preferably a Magnum), do your kegels and let loose!!! And if I am having sex with you currently, please follow the guidelines to the T or I will not be calling you anymore.